Stream of consciousness related to retirement, run ons and all
Last week I went to a gym to activate my Medicare Supplemental Membership. I was implementing one of the goals that led me to quit my job in January, which was to pay better attention to my health that had been declining over the past few years. The Enrolling Concierge at the gym was a sweet young woman who was doing her best to make the job easier for me, especially after she had congratulated me on my retirement. She must have gotten a clue when she saw me using my middle finger instead of my thumbs on my iPhone. How appropriate is the middle finger for a tech phobe who came of age in India reading the newspaper for information and listening to the radio for entertainment and now must move an icon on a screen to listen and read! But I digress.
For all that is said and written about ageism, sometimes we old fogies bring it upon ourselves- note the non-use of the opposable thumb we humans have been blessed with. In any case, maybe because she was kind? impatient? Trained to be helpful? Tamara reached across the counter to click the appropriate arrows and buttons that popped up and PRESTO! I was enrolled. Now whether I show up to exercise is a story for another day.
Some would have found Tamara’s enquiries patronizing viz., “Would you know how to access our website?….. Do you know how to get our app?” – you see what I mean. For a flash, I got my dander up. Would she have asked these questions of a non “Medicare Supplemental” Member with fewer or no white hair? Hard upon that was the feeling of loss- of my vitality, my youth, my usefulness. Was I being placed on a shelf? Would the next step be for someone asking if I needed a hand at my elbow as I stepped off a curb? And later, would I become invisible in a society that prizes youth? I fought back and triumphantly showed her that I had not only downloaded their app but had also saved it to my wallet. How efficiently I was able to use the functionality is again a story for another day
So now we come to the meat of the matter, points which will continue to be elaborated later. You see I left my job but did not retire from work. I use the word retire for convenience. The work of prescribing medications and therapeutic interventions had become second nature, almost automatic; it was the documentation on newer EMRs (Electronic Medical Record) that was leading to the Three Horsemen of the Clinical Apocalypse- Depression, Anxiety and Anger and led to a decline in my efficiency and enjoyment in a profession that lent meaning and a near spiritual sense of accomplishment to my life.
Within the less than 10 minutes it took to drive back home, came the recognition and later the ACCEPTANCE of normal age related decline, thus allowing me the GRACE to accept the help Tamara offered, and then the GRATITUDE that I was allowed to live into my 60s. That is enough for now. More on all this later